These Things Called Boobs

Like I said in my first post, I read an article after I made my decision that having a double mastectomy was like having an amputation – you lose a piece of yourself.  I truly believe that statement now.  When Stephen and my mom saw my chest in the hospital and commented that it looked the same (yes, I’ve always had small boobs for those who don’t know me) I got excited, but let me tell you they were being very generous!  Granted, mastectomies have come a long way - I have an incision under each boob about 3-4 inches long and I opted for the nipple sparing (and as of now it took) so in the end, with Dr. Carlin’s help, I hope to have a better, larger version of my original chest - but that doesn’t change the way I feel about myself right now.  I remember the first time I looked; I had gotten out the shower, stood in front of the mirror, dropped my towel and there they were, my unnatural looking boobs. These oddly shaped things are the result of tissue expanders and they serve an important purpose of making me look like a woman again: they are empty breast implants that will be filled with saline (I came out of surgery with 120 cc in each one).  The process slowly stretches the skin and muscles.  When I reach the size I want to be, or when my skin and muscles cannot stretch anymore, I will go in for my second surgery, have the expanders removed and the permanent implants will be inserted.  Actually seeing my boobs for the first time was an unexplainable feeling of joy of sadness.  I was happy that my first surgery was behind me but I was sad because they aren’t me.  I was happy because I have always wanted larger breasts, but this is not how I envisioned getting them (even thought I know it’s 100% the right way for me).  I was scared out of my mind for the journey that comes with these expanders and I was right to feel that way… 

I have had 3 follow up doctor appointments since my surgery.  The last one was this past Tuesday when Stephen, my mom and I went to Dr. Carlin’s office; and this visit was by far the best one yet because I got to have my drains removed. They went from the outside of the boob, under then ended near the top, almost encircling each one.  When Carlin removed them you could see it sliding around under my skin and my spectators/hand holders thought that was cool :)  I just thought it was cool that they were GONE… PaRtY!!!  Then came the panic attack – I was asked if I wanted my first expander injection – I thought I was prepared for this moment but when the question was asked, my nerves took over.  With some gently forceful prodding I decided, what better time than the present, right? So, Jamie, the awesome nurse, brought my own personal bag of saline, two huge syringes and two needles in the room.  OH MY GOSH, WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!?!?!  I reclined back on the bed and then the science experiment began.  Each expander has a magnet on it, Dr. C took out a small little device that had another magnet hanging down.  He sort of waved it around each boob and when the dangling magnet moved… Bingo, injection site discovered.  He then filled each syringe up with 60 cc of saline and inserted the needle into each chest and pumped the saline in.  As the 3 of us and my doctor talked about Tory Burch vs Jack Rodger flip flops and Birkin bags to distract me, each boob got larger right before our eyes. Well right before Stephen and my mom’s eyes… I was too chicken to look… maybe next Tuesday I will ;).  Wow, that was easy; or at least that is what I thought until that evening and then PAIN!

I was prescribed a nice little pain killer when I was sent home from the hospital, and I took my fair share, but decided this past Sunday night that I was D.O.N.E - I didn’t like the way they made me feel, everything was foggy and all I really did was sleep.   That decision went out the window around 10 Tuesday night :(  The chest and back pain and shear feeling of being uncomfortable all over had me searching for relief and down the throat one, and only one, went.  I had been warned that the expanders are the worst part of the entire journey and dumb me, I didn’t 100% believe the ones before me, but now I do.  Right after surgery, I had a team getting and keeping my pain under control but this, this is a different type of pain, one I’ve never before experienced (and full disclaimer,  I have had 2 open back surgeries in my short life).  I took my pain medicine around 10, right before I went to bed and woke up around 3am in severe pain.  Stephen helped me sit up in our bed and I went out to our den and sat on the couch till the sun came up, unable to go back to sleep.  The next day, was more of the same, chest and back pain.  I was so uncomfortable last night that I tried to lay on my side for a moment (even though they don’t really recommend it) and I just couldn’t (it felt like the expanders were moving).  I did however pull out this blue and white checkered pillow that I have had since I was 6 years old.  This pillow is one of my most prized possessions as it was the little pillow my biological mom used during her fight with breast cancer.  As I laid that pillow between my left arm and chest I feel straight to sleep.