Welcome Home Elizabeth

As you already know, I was released from the hospital on Friday, September 18^th and after finally being checked out and wheeled out I slid into the backseat of my ride.  Chauffer Stephen and I took the 30ish minute drive to our house, all the while I was dreaming of my bed.  Little did I know that the blue velvet recliner (the one that my hubby got as a Christmas gift when he was teenager and I have been begging to get rid of for many, many years) would become my very best friend.  I would love to give a complete detailed account of the next couple days, but to be honest, Saturday and Sunday were a complete blur thanks to all the medicine.  All I really remember is my dear friend Laura coming over to French braid my hair (thank you for tackling my greasy hair twice) and getting to see our newly competed tiled master bathroom for the first time.   

Monday rolled around and the world kept spinning – thank goodness!  Stephen had to go back to work so it was just my incredible mom and I.  We took a little drive to Ashley’s Ally to meet my wonderful hair dresser, Laura, who came in on her day off to wash my hair.  It took my mom and Laura roughly 10 minutes to devise a plan that got me in a position to wash my hair.  Once situated, a feeling worthy of heaven came over me as Laura did a wonderful job washing my hair.  Other than getting my first “shower” later that week getting my hair washed and blow dried was Ahhhh-ma-zing! I may not be the best dressed or the most put together all the time but I am overly thankful I did not run into anyone on our Monday morning outing as I was dressed in PJ’s, no makeup and was carrying a pillow.   I couldn’t do much for a while because I would get so tired so quickly (but that comes with any surgery); so when we got home I relaxed in that blue recliner until our first of many meals arrived.  Speaking of, I have started writing thank you notes but THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for all the meals; we would have not survived without all the flowers, PJ’s, visits, calls/texts, cards, etc from all the wonderful and supportive people in my life.  

 

The whole shower situation was definitely a chore until my drains were removed 13 days after my surgery.  I had to wear a surgical bra - I don’t know how many of you have had the pleasure of having one grace your body for two weeks, but man they suck!  By the time my drains were removed and I received my first expander injection the bra was causing more pain than my actual chest.

Back on topic, I finally got my first “shower” (I use that word loosely b/c my first shower consisted of me standing in the tub and having my mom bathe me) a week after my surgery (gross if you ask me). It was a chore to shower - I would remove the medical bra, hang a lanyard around my neck and safety pin those annoying drains to it – HOTNESS!  It didn’t look pretty, nothing really did for the first 2 weeks, but I got through it.  I had about 3 of these type showers (thanks mom) and then finally one day I decided I was going to try it by myself.  One of the biggest YAY moments was after my drains were removed and I could stand in the shower and wash my own hair without having to tilt my head to the one side then the other to wash it.

 

Sleeping, one of my favorite things sometimes (my hubby thinks I am a bit narcoleptic) was easy yet difficult all at the same time.  I know some can do it but I didn’t feel comfortable laying completely down. The first time I did it felt like the expanders, b/c they are so heavy and hard, were going to come straight through my back and it was difficult to sit up from laying completely down so I slept just reclining in that chair for about 1.5 weeks. The chair got hot sometimes and I couldn’t move well so it became increasingly uncomfortable and I became antsy to be back in my bed.  I started sleeping in my bed with 4 or 5 pillows propping me up the second weekend after I came home.  I thought it was heaven but then I dropped down to my two normal pillows and that was even better.  I still can’t sleep on my side and I’m a side sleeper so I wake up around 4 every morning b/c the back of my body pretty much becomes numb from not being able to move.  I had a huge YAY moment last night though when I sat up in the bed without having to have Stephen’s help or use the sheets as leverage.  GO ME!  I am counting down the days though till I can sleep normal (hopefully in about 60 or so days).

This whole journey has taught me that I am happy I am able to do those little “normal” things that I would normally take for granted by myself.  This week has been the BEST yet and many YAY moments have happened bc Dr. C has been out of town so I didn’t have to get an injection :) Even though I have been released to drive since my drains were removed I have chosen not to b/c I couldn’t shift my car into Park (my hubby said that’s an imperative step in the driving process) but this past Monday my car and I reunited and man did it feel good!  I also have a larger range of motion (I can reach my arms above my head) so I have been able to pull shirt over my head.  I have been able to go in the office/show homes, go to meetings, carry my purse and computer bag, do laundry, clean my house, wear heals… all the fun things in life ;)

I know everyone has their own journey but I am blessed that mine has been one of relative ease. I have had my fair share of pain but some of the stories that I have heard from other women make me realize just how lucky I am.  From here, I have, hopefully, 4 more 40 cc injections, wrapping up by the week of thanksgiving so I can enjoy that time with family and friends and going back into surgery to have the expanders removed and the permanent implants installed the week after Thanksgiving.

HAPPY ONE MONTH POST SURGERY TO ME!!

 

These Things Called Boobs

Like I said in my first post, I read an article after I made my decision that having a double mastectomy was like having an amputation – you lose a piece of yourself.  I truly believe that statement now.  When Stephen and my mom saw my chest in the hospital and commented that it looked the same (yes, I’ve always had small boobs for those who don’t know me) I got excited, but let me tell you they were being very generous!  Granted, mastectomies have come a long way - I have an incision under each boob about 3-4 inches long and I opted for the nipple sparing (and as of now it took) so in the end, with Dr. Carlin’s help, I hope to have a better, larger version of my original chest - but that doesn’t change the way I feel about myself right now.  I remember the first time I looked; I had gotten out the shower, stood in front of the mirror, dropped my towel and there they were, my unnatural looking boobs. These oddly shaped things are the result of tissue expanders and they serve an important purpose of making me look like a woman again: they are empty breast implants that will be filled with saline (I came out of surgery with 120 cc in each one).  The process slowly stretches the skin and muscles.  When I reach the size I want to be, or when my skin and muscles cannot stretch anymore, I will go in for my second surgery, have the expanders removed and the permanent implants will be inserted.  Actually seeing my boobs for the first time was an unexplainable feeling of joy of sadness.  I was happy that my first surgery was behind me but I was sad because they aren’t me.  I was happy because I have always wanted larger breasts, but this is not how I envisioned getting them (even thought I know it’s 100% the right way for me).  I was scared out of my mind for the journey that comes with these expanders and I was right to feel that way… 

I have had 3 follow up doctor appointments since my surgery.  The last one was this past Tuesday when Stephen, my mom and I went to Dr. Carlin’s office; and this visit was by far the best one yet because I got to have my drains removed. They went from the outside of the boob, under then ended near the top, almost encircling each one.  When Carlin removed them you could see it sliding around under my skin and my spectators/hand holders thought that was cool :)  I just thought it was cool that they were GONE… PaRtY!!!  Then came the panic attack – I was asked if I wanted my first expander injection – I thought I was prepared for this moment but when the question was asked, my nerves took over.  With some gently forceful prodding I decided, what better time than the present, right? So, Jamie, the awesome nurse, brought my own personal bag of saline, two huge syringes and two needles in the room.  OH MY GOSH, WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!?!?!  I reclined back on the bed and then the science experiment began.  Each expander has a magnet on it, Dr. C took out a small little device that had another magnet hanging down.  He sort of waved it around each boob and when the dangling magnet moved… Bingo, injection site discovered.  He then filled each syringe up with 60 cc of saline and inserted the needle into each chest and pumped the saline in.  As the 3 of us and my doctor talked about Tory Burch vs Jack Rodger flip flops and Birkin bags to distract me, each boob got larger right before our eyes. Well right before Stephen and my mom’s eyes… I was too chicken to look… maybe next Tuesday I will ;).  Wow, that was easy; or at least that is what I thought until that evening and then PAIN!

I was prescribed a nice little pain killer when I was sent home from the hospital, and I took my fair share, but decided this past Sunday night that I was D.O.N.E - I didn’t like the way they made me feel, everything was foggy and all I really did was sleep.   That decision went out the window around 10 Tuesday night :(  The chest and back pain and shear feeling of being uncomfortable all over had me searching for relief and down the throat one, and only one, went.  I had been warned that the expanders are the worst part of the entire journey and dumb me, I didn’t 100% believe the ones before me, but now I do.  Right after surgery, I had a team getting and keeping my pain under control but this, this is a different type of pain, one I’ve never before experienced (and full disclaimer,  I have had 2 open back surgeries in my short life).  I took my pain medicine around 10, right before I went to bed and woke up around 3am in severe pain.  Stephen helped me sit up in our bed and I went out to our den and sat on the couch till the sun came up, unable to go back to sleep.  The next day, was more of the same, chest and back pain.  I was so uncomfortable last night that I tried to lay on my side for a moment (even though they don’t really recommend it) and I just couldn’t (it felt like the expanders were moving).  I did however pull out this blue and white checkered pillow that I have had since I was 6 years old.  This pillow is one of my most prized possessions as it was the little pillow my biological mom used during her fight with breast cancer.  As I laid that pillow between my left arm and chest I feel straight to sleep.